What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
