perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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