On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
