May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
