you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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