Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
