At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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