I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
