just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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