i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
