i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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