I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
