I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
