i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
