True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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