I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
