I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
