That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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