I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
