Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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