Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
