How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
