you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
