Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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