shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
