Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
