Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
