You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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