im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just found a bag of teeth...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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