Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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