I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hippo gnu deer
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
