I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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