If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
