I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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