Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
