well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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