roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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