i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
