Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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