Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Banned from zoo.
Again?
ugly people sure do ruin things
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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