If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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