The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
