I will die if light touches me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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