I will die if light touches me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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