True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
