I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
