I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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