Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
