please come you make the beer taste better
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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