I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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